I want to know that I can make a living as an emotional person.
And I do not mean, crazy.
I mean, emotional. Someone who feels emotions and is attracted to emotions.
Some days, I feel so wounded
Too wounded to lead.
Too wounded to adhere to discipline.
Some days, I don't want to hold it together, because I feel that I can't.
When I look back at all the places I lived in, I remember so presently, living in the office. The office above the Infiniti Car Dealership. I look back at that time of my life because I wish I had protection then. I feel like I wasn't raised with enough affection, and that's why I'm so needy for affection now -- but only affection from those I trust.
I am trying to not feel so wounded.
Or rather, the woundedness has its hold on me - its grip on me. Its weight on me. And while everyone sits with their pain, I feel that I've hidden my body inside of my wounds. I feel ugly. I feel cheap. I feel like I lack the fullness of a healed leader.
And I think I get so frustrated with this limping self-image because I feel that the generativeness of my creativity knows I can do more. And knows I can recreate and invent new realities and safe spaces for curious appetites and emotional loss.
I think I get frustrated that I don't have all the answers, and that I still limp around with these wounds. I keep waiting for the scabs to flake off -- but instead these wounds: they thicken up and become fatter. And it becomes difficult to imagine the skeleton of my body moving without the added weight of destruction and torment on me.
I seek affirmation, I seek validation, I seek protection, I seek stable meals, I seek vegetables and salad, I blame my parents, I feel guilt for blaming them, I feel angry, I feel wronged, I don't want to feel like I will be held back for the rest of my life because I did not have stability.
I almost wish the abuse I had gone through as a child was worse so that I could truly vilify it and let it become something I could terrorize and destroy rather than figure out a way to hold its wholeness and it's gray parts. I am exhausted from the dexterity of my softness and my empathy. I want my life back. I want to press on. I want to feel lighter and go for a run.
I want to throw things into the trash.
I want to love what I am now.
And instead, I feel angry.
And it is this loneliness that leads to my grief in solitude.
It is this loneliness that becomes so unbearable as I am faced with the choice of whether to choose life or death.
And I think I've felt so stagnant lately because I feel that I've chosen neither.
Please tell me I will be okay.
Because I know you will be okay.
But I don't know if I will be okay.
And this is what loneliness is.
And this is how the days pass.
And none one would ever know.
If I didn't say it here.
Venmo: @ ohyeadiana
Do exactly what I'm doing.
And live from my heart and speak truth and make a living telling the truth.
My dream is to make unboxable things.
My dream is to make people feel more fulfilled.
Or rather INVITE people to feel more fulfilled.
Because that really brings me so much joy.
My dream is to live a life of integrity and allow people to trust in integrity again.
(everything above, all came out via text to my friend, Robert tonight. And here it all is here for you. Everything below is me writing from my guts for myself.)
Clarifying my dreams grounds me.
I feel grounded when I speak my desires.
I remember that desires exist for a reason.
I remember that my desires come from God. Whatever or Whoever God is.
I find myself believing in this God. Asking it: how can I help?
And my God is not a Christian God or a Catholic God. My God is a Spirit, an Energy, and a Presence that wants me to fulfill my desires. Because my God gave me those desires. And as long as they are deeply grown from my honest and truthful existence, then I will have fulfilled my life's purposes.
I don't like to think of a life's purpose as singular. I think there can be multiple purposes.
I also worry and think about the people whose purposes are hurtful or violent or damaging to other people's lives and desires. And I question their dreams because I have trouble believing in people's dreams whose dreams are to annihilate.
And I question whether their dreams come from a truthful and honest place, or from a place of their fears or their traditions or from their hurt.
I essentially believe:
That dreams born out of hurt lead to one's destruction.
This is why we must tend to the hurt. To heal the hurt. To be emotional with the hurt. So that our dreams born from hurt don't continue to hurt others.
This is why we take care of ourselves.
And the world contains these multitudes.
And if I sit with all the varying dreams of all the people, I can get overwhelmed.
And I remember, I cannot control peoples' dreams. I can try to help guide them. I can help by sharing my dreams. I can fulfill the prophecy that is alive and burning within me. I can help by simply focusing, remembering, and getting grounded in my dreams.
To be grounded in my desires.
This is where my answers lie. This is where connection lives. This is how I connect with others with integrity. This is how I trust myself. This is how I enjoy life. By remembering and appreciating my desires.